Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Slump

So I've been putting off posting these short entries. To warn you - they may put you in a bad/depressed/sad mood, because that's what I was in when I wrote them. March and April weren't the easiest months for me, and evidently, it's normal to have a slump about 9 months into being at site. Good news is that May/tons of work/Holy Week vacations have pulled me out of that slump and I no longer wishing I would wake up in America (it only happened a few times, don't worry).

Does “integrated” mean that you got 23 flies chillin on your bedroom ceiling? Or does it mean visits from Carlitos asking you to help out with his biology project? It could mean going to work every day and getting fair prices at the market. I’m trying to figure out what to write for the section titled “Tell Your Story” on my Volunteer Report File that gets sent to Washington twice a year. I’ve been invited to a few weddings. Had a few birthday parties with the host family. Carried a basket on my head home from market. Cooked my own corn and taken it to the local molino (or mill – where I was almost laughed out of the place after the women saw me show up in the doorway and then have about 7 kernals of corn for my tortillas). Yet I still feel like I am not integrated, or even close to being integrated into this community. I almost feel like by asking that of me, Washington is asking for the impossible – maybe not completely impossible, but highly improbable. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that I should be integrated after merely 9 months in site, or even within the allotted 2 years of service time. Maybe I’m just writing this to give myself less of a hard time. Maybe I should get a fly swatter…


I realize that here, you do most things alone. And it’s not just most things: it’s usually the vast majority of your day that you spend alone. I have site-mates, so I actually get to see other people and friends more often than most. But, for example, today: I woke up, made myself some food in my house, went to the Puesto, went down on the bus, sent emails, went to a meeting (where 2 other volunteers were participating as well), ran an errand, took the bus up to Shannon’s community, ate lunch with Shannon and other Puesto workers, went on home visits all afternoon, rode down back to San Cris, saw Kate for a few minutes, went to run errands in Salcajá, before getting on a pickup truck for San Ramón, walked home alone, made dinner alone, ate alone, and am now hanging out. By myself. All interactions with people I consider friends were very limited to no more than 10-15 minutes a piece. I guess I’m just used to doing most things with friends, whether it’s a roommate eating breakfast at the same time, seeing people at work all day, going to see friends after work, making dinner with friends or roommates, and then going out/watching a movie/etc. with people. It gets lonely out here. And the saddest part of it is: I have multiple site mates (not actually where I live, but I see them all a fair amount) and live near a big city where I get to see a ton of volunteers on a regular basis. So the real question is: Why do I feel so alone?

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